Going, going..... gone!

2006 has almost left. thank God! good bye, you friggin' year!
2006 was a year of mishaps. strange things coming and going in my life. all year it just kept bobbing up and down. and now its over. its finally 2007. what matters of headaches will i get this year? i dunno. but i'm sure it will be better than the last. i can't wait.
is it a common wonder that one reflects on there life as the year ends? now that its the last day of the year, i just can't help but to look back and see the trail i took. what do i see? i see tons of people that moved my life in directions i never knew. i see series of phantasmagorical events that shaped me to be better. and i see all the follies i did as i blundered about my way. life plays a sad and exciting game. and i played it like any normal(?) man should. i guess the last year wasn't so bad after all. yeah, there were tons of disappointments, but they were also dozens of chances to learn and improve myself. i knew new things about myself and the people around me. i learned lots in the matters of social affairs. and i learned that i really am stubborn. i learned lots of things.
hmmmm... so there. i have more to say... but i don't go into details so... i'll just sum it up:
i thought the previous year was bad, but i guess it was a good year to learn things, and these things that i learned will probably shape me til years on end. Happy happy new year to all! may you all find something this coming year that you can take deep into your lives... this will be an exciting year.

Yeah yeah

yeah i know i complain a lot here in this blog (where else can i channel my frustrations) but i think something's different in the air. so let me complain some more. its Christmas. am i complaining about Christmas? i guess. its just that this season brings unstirred emotions that are better off gone. *sigh*
what to do? might as well try to cover it up with the "season of gift giving and merry making." hey, its so easy to cheer other people up than to cheer yourself right? so i'll just succumb to the roller-coaster ride of the season's sprite hoping not to notice it passing by. *sigh*
Christmas always pass by.

The Scientist

Coldplay

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart,
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
I know let's go back to the start,
Running in circles,
Chasing our tails, heads on a silence apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard,
I'm going back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart,
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Did not speak as loud as my heart,
Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh when I rush to the start,
Running in circles,
Chasing tails,
Coming back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard,
Oh take me back to the start.

Never so Lost...

These are the times when i wish God was an actual person whom you can sit down with and just ask what the fuck's going on. i never felt so confused. and alone. i really shouldn't feel this way. but its here. i'm here. no matter how shallow and petty it seems, i'm stuck with this feeling. just waiting for that divine whisper to my ear to clear my head. just a little voice that would set my heart free. but its not like that. it doesn't happen that way. we have to learn things through ourselves. we have to know pain inside and out. for ourselves. and no matter how helpless we are at the rising situations, there are no divine whispers from God. all that there is to guide our way is how we interpret the path He has set before us. unfortunately, i think God is too abstract for our human minds. our worldly eyes fixated on the shallow desires. unable to comprehend the vastness of it all. purity, virtue, morality. no matter how "good" they seem they still desaturate our sight as much as any sin. i do not want what is "good", i want what is "right". all i'm asking God is to show me what is right. because no matter how good my heart's intention are, it will never be noticed. it will never show. i just want to know what is the right thing during these hallowed times. so here we are. me writing away these little thoughts, you reading this, thinking/waiting for the whole point of this. is there a point? i don't know. this is an abstract blog. blogging details won't get me anwyhere but trouble. not everyone wants to hear all my thoughts. but then why continue reading these blogs? i don't know. still. so much to say. keep it locked up inside, don't talk about it. just talk about the weather.

Crush

Dave Matthews

Crazy, how it, feels tonight.
Crazy, how you, make it all alright, love.
You crush me, with the, things you do,
And I do, for you, anything too oh.
Sitting, smoking, feeling high.
And in this, moment, oh, it feels so right.

Lovely lady, I am at your feet, oh, God I want you so badly.
And I wonder this could tomorrow be so wondrous as you there sleeping.

Let's go, drive til, the morning comes.
And watch the, sunrise, and fill our souls up.
Drink some, wine til, we get drunk, yeah...

Its crazy, Im thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
I'm here I'm dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down, and is this real, or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, let me drink you, please, I won't spill a drop, no, I promise you.
Lying under this spell you cast on me.
Each moment the more, i, love, you. crush me, come on. oh, yeah.

Its crazy I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
I'm here I'm dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
Is this real, oh lord, or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, I will treat you sweetly, adore you, I mean, you crush me.
Oh its times like these when my faith I feel.
I know, how, i, love, you. come on, come on, baby.

Its crazy, I'm thinking just as long as you're around.
I'm here I'll be dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
To each other, well be facing.
My love, by love, we'll beat back the pain we've found.
You know, I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking, love, deep inside my
Friend.
With each moment the more I love you. crush me, come on, baby.

So much you have given, love, and I would give you back again and again.
Oh, my love, meaning I'll hold you but please, please, just let me, always...

What a week...

I finally did it. after months and months of dreaming about doing it, i finally did it. what it is? secret... i get in trouble everytime i blog about something personal (its really destroying the notion of blogging). so there. just ask when you get to talk to me. Lalalala... =D

projects projects projects. with all the things i'm doing, i only had less than 7 hours of sleep for 4 days. i dunno what time i can get home tonight... but anyway, its fun. been circling the metro recently, might as well go to Alabang for a party. wow... burning out was never this fun!

haaaaay... i really want to shout out how happy i am... i'm guessing those who know me are guessing it right. so there... i can't believe how happy i am because you are. Happy?

;)

Wow.

A lot of things are happening in our lives now that we just can't help but to stop and take a deep breath for all its worth. Good, bad, it doesn't really matter. These things that are happening to us are here, and we are still sitting in front of the computer, having the leisure of looking back at those times and claim we are still breathing. for better or for worse? for the best, i'm sure. these are experiences that says we are alive.
I jogged this morning under the clear black morning sky. looking up, looking at God, i watched how small everything really is. no matter how gigantic those stars are, they'll still look small in our eyes. no matter how big we feel, or how intricate and complex are lives are, we are still nothing compared to the vastness of everything. i thanked God.
Humility? why do i have to write my thoughts here i start to wonder. maybe because i want those who read here to know me to try to feel the optimism of life. that every terrible thing that happens to us are there for a reason. for our growth and nothing more. "what does not kill me, makes me stronger." no matter how pessimistic that phrase sounds, its true. we do need to be strong in life, and there are no other ways to be strong than to experience every hardships in life that would humble us. it is all up to us to rise against such adversities and claim we have grown. that we are better than who were before any crisis.
so here i sit. drinking coffee with a cigarette, watching the day unfold and all the challenges it brings, strumming my guitar, having the taste of life and finally find solace in my worn-out room. smiling for these challenges' worth. and pray that tomorrow will finally bring rest.

There She Goes

SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER

There she goes
There she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
There she goes again
Pulsing through my veins
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
There she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
There she goes again
She calls my name,
Pulls my train
No one else could heal my pain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
There she goes again
Chasing down my lane
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
There she goes
There she goes

Bakasyon na!

4 days of no work. i dunno if i should be happy or sad...

blogblogblogblogblog...globologoloblobologolobo...

Damn. somehow i feel like i just woke up and took a long look at my life for the first time in a very long time, and just hear myself mutter out "what the hell happened to me?" sometimes i don't get myself, it proves that i am only human after all. sometimes i feel like the need for conversations. sometimes i feel the need for silly talks. sometimes i feel the need to be close to someone. sometimes i feel the need to talk about me. sometimes i feel the need to just shut up and listen. sometimes i just want to be alone. being human, this human being. the problem is its getting out of hand. really out of hand. i can't focus anymore. i don't bother anymore. i just seem to have lost the will to do anything worth doing. and i just let it pass by. i need something. another problem is that i don't know what makes me happy anymore. yeah i laugh. i have fun all the time. i have a blast with great company most of the time. our dencio's is the best spot for miles around. asking for more will already be being greedy. but i just can't shut the numbing feeling inside. that big question just eating up inside and i don't even know what it is. Watcha think? i'll get back to you when i find some answers.

.. it always starts with the first step... right?

Ha!
I finally woke up at 4am to jog..... I'm so happy... hehehe... I never thought I would get up, it took me 30 minutes just to stand. Damn. So i grabbed my shoes (I sleep beside my Nike Free 7.0... i love it... its the best damn running shoes i ever had!!!), wore a Levron James Jersey over jogging pants, complete with a track top! Hahaha! (who cares, no one will see me anyway, they're all asleep) all that gear and i just jogged for 40 min. Hahahaha! 40 min to leave the house and 40 min later i'm back! Bawi next time!
When I stepped out to the cold, the pre-dawn sky amazed me... Everything was clear! The stars were bright and the morning moon was... i dunno... i never seen it like that before. you can see the outline of the moon and a thin smile under it. It really looked like cheshire cat. i was just waiting for eyes to pop out of the face of the moon... after staring at the sky for some time, I started to run.

So now I have to work work work, hoping to have the same enthusiasm i had a while ago. Its 7:46am, back to reality.

=D

Blanko

Session Road

Blanko
walang laman ang isip ko
Blanko
bulag at para bang tuliro
Blanko
walang halong biro
Blanko

Blanko
di alam kung saan magtatagpo
Blanko
bumabalik na naman sa iyo
Blanko
pangarap na sadyang totoo
Blanko

pikit matang sumusunod
sa yakap mo nalulunod
at hindi makaramdam
mula nung ika’y nagpaalam

Blanko
sabik sa alaala mo
Blanko
di sinasadyang maging ganito
Blanko
nananaginip pang palayo
Blanko

Blanko
limilipad sumasaiyo
Blanko
inaalay lahat ng ito
Blanko
patawad sa kahinaan ko
Blanko

at hindi makaramdam
mula nung ika’y nagpaalam
Blanko

#41

Dave Matthews

Come and see.
I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles,
I'm coming slow but speeding.
Do you wish a dance and while I'm in the front?
The play on time is won, but the difficulty is coming here.

I will go in this way, and find my own way out.
I wont tell you what to be,
But I'm coming to much more.
Me.

All at once the ghosts come back reeling in you now.
What if they came down crashing??
You and me,
we used to play for all of the loneliness but nobody notices now.
I'm begging slow I'm coming, yeah.
Only waiting...
I wanted to stay,
I wanted to play,

I wanted to love you.

I'm only this far, and only tomorrow leads my way.

I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head.
Please, I wouldn't pass this by.
I wouldn't take more than I need.
What sort of man goes by?
I will bring you water.
Why wont you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder...
I came in praying for you.
Why won't you run into the rain and play?
Let the tears splash all over you.

All that's left...

i've got rid of most my anger, rage and stress. Now its time for the change... can't wait to buy rubber shoes...




My thoughts for the week:

To let go of the petty things like anger, hate, greed and envy.

Let us all forgive, even God does.

So Much To Say

Dave Matthews

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating,and I'm alright
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't see the light
Keep it locked up inside
Don't talk about it
T-t-talk about the weather

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't see the light
Open up my head and let me out, little baby
'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I'm alright
'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time
Time, time, time, time, time, time

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

I see you young and soft, oh little baby
Little feet, little hands, little feet, little feet, little baby
One year of cryin' and the words creep up inside
Creep into your mind, yeah

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time
Time, time, time, time, time, time

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

Open up my head and let me out, little baby

at work...

today is a day of realization...
okay... so i'm getting sick of my work... i like teaching... but i just can't stand some people...

i spent my afternoon on our office's rooftop... just wanted to be alone...
i laid down under the afternoon sky, read some, but i finally decided to play soccer with an old, worn-out plastic pail and an old chair as my goal. sweated for a few hours while watching the sun disappear. all the while just thinking of this bullshit life.

i'm beginning to hate my work, so sick of those "plastic" co-workers. i'm beginning to doubt my so-called friends, those who just show up when they need something. i'm in love with a girl who treats me like a rag-doll. i'm getting fed up at our house (as usual). i'm starting to worry about money and career. i'm just so sick and tired of all the crap this world is offering me.

Me, myself, and i... a quote i held close to my heart before... i guess its resurfacing again. not much people to put my trust into these days... everyone's all lies. i don't want to be trapped in a circle of lies again... never again... so goodbye to all of you people's crap.

good friends?!

Ha! Life is full of crap... don't join them already.

What can i say, everyone is filled with crap. everyone's JUST pretending to be a friend anyway, why should i think of you differently? fuck... everyone's a joke... everyone's pretentious... everyone's just plain old scared to be honest... crap... everyone's all bull that's why life is getting fucked up... fucking pretenders... everyone will tell you they're your friends but when you're not looking you can bet on it that they're going to hell.

Peace with God... war with people... Yeah... everyone says i have trusting issues... but c'mon... look at these people around me... how the hell can you trust them?

Shit.

Whatever peace with God that i do, it still boils down to the people around me. God will only help you through other people... but it seems like people around won't help at all...

Still waiting for the one to prove me wrong...

Too much negativity...

Let's uncomplicate things... Too much anxiety, too much freedom, too much of nothing...

Now I'm going to sit back, slow down in life, read Dhammapada, work slowly, want less, turn up my radio loud to the music of Wolfgang to Mozart, eat less, run more, breath slower, save money, spend more time on my projects, really wake up at 4:30 am, drink less, get in tune with the forces that be and just get some balance.

Anyone wanna bet on it? Hahahaha...

When life is turning into a one big pile of bullshit, it means we're doing something wrong, so i'm going to stand up, get out of my routine cycle and make a change. Life won't make itself better for me, right? So why sit and do nothing when the whole world is waiting...

Haaaaaaaaaaay naku...

i just feel lost... yeah... so fucked up in the head... hahaha... yeah... the times never seemed so confusingly fucked... a lot has happened... but somehow... i don't feel like blogging them... Pampanga trip, Dencio's Ayala Heights' Aniv was a blast, the storm was devastatingly awesome from my view, a lot of things going on in my life that i should remember and take note but i don't... i'm still STUCK with my problem (its not actually a problem... more like a tribulation or something... just lacking a better word for it... oh wait... i know the word... i just don't want to say it... =P)... YEP... everyone who knows me knows what i'm talking about... HELP!!! I'm goddamn losing my head here!!! HAHAHAHA!!! yeah... still stuck, struck and stumped... still lost in trance... still finding a place to breath and just clear my lungs... i want to shout on top of a mountain... just let it all out, mannnn... i wonder what i'll cry out when I do??? Hmmmm...... so there... i'm just blogging things rather than shouting on a mountain top... maybe i should... maybe this is better... who knows... who gives a fuck, right?


End of blog.

Sanctified

Wolfgang

I'm born down in the dirt, born with mud in my eyes
Born kicked in the teeth, born a loser in life
so put me on the pedestal so everyone can see
and listen to the gospel of the living mokery.
Yeah... I will be, Yes sanctified!
I'm negatively spent every single day
a tortured beaten soul in every single way
I'm such a goddamned fool for living the way i do
but i play the hand I'm given,not the hand i choose
Yeah... I will be,Yes sanctified!
Sanctified!
Bring me down as a holy man
and bring down again as a holy man.
And bring me down again as a holy man
Like a holy man
now I'm the hero of masses, king of the world
a disciple to conviction it's obvious yet absurd
how someone's way of living can become converse
from pauper to prince, a blessing to a curse.
Yeah! I will be yeah sanctified!
I will be yes sanctified,
Sanctified, I will be, Justified

Of love and life...

On my first draft, this one was supposed to be happy:

When you say "life is bullshit," a lot of people will agree. Well tonight, I'll join them. Life is all bull covered in sugar and spice. I just feel depressed now. When everything doesn't make sense, when ends won't meet, when the whole world seems to rattle every rational fiber left in your shattered heart, we suddenly stop ourselves from everything and disconnect our life and think ever so solemnly to ourselves: "what the fuck?!"
I'm 26. I've lived most of my life in depression (Would you believe? Its actually true.). I grew up believing that stupid fairytale-like-scenario-where-someone-will-break-down-all-misery-and-i-will-finally-know-the-meaning-of-love-and-life nonsense. Now I'm still paying the price for that folly. Paying for it with my every painful breath.
I am so unlucky when it comes to love. Its the truth! My first relationship was short-lived, and devastatingly tragic. My second gf was also short-lived and left a big question mark. And the last, well... if the one before left a question mark, the last left an exclamation point. I had one relationship(MU? way, way before which for me was my first love... baduy...) but somehow she can't make herself "like" me i suppose because we lasted for only three weeks. So that's zero over four.
More? Well... I fell extremely deep for a friend when i was in college. We talked constantly for hours and i never got tired. We talked as if it was our daily routine. In fact, we talked more than she and her boyfriend. Weighing the emotions i felt with the my previous relationships, to her was heavier by far. What did I do? I stopped talking to her because i couldn't take it anymore. A lot of complications are involved in the story but to cut this stupid blog short, I never dreamt of destroying a relationship. So there.

5 of 5. All painful experiences.

Its not that I don't meet a lot of people. Actually, its fairly easy to get a date or two and other things to that context if (if!!!) I want to. But love... well... love is elusive.

Venturing on the 6th? Too soon to tell...

So that's "of love"... still thinking if I should continue with the "of life" bit... I'm getting sober so I'll stop here... Ah yes... alcohol, burn and other lonely vices, that's how i should start with the "of life" bit because honestly, that kept me alive. Maybe later... If i get stoned enough to write again of things i shouldn't write about...

Blog

As I watch my burning cigarette show the slow dying of life, as I listen to rainfall tell me about birth and rebirth, as i stare and hear lightning and thunder chase down courage from the skies... i float in my life.
I let the smoke enter my lungs in the stillness of the dark... i let my thoughts soar high as God would let me... I let sobriety tumble down with the ashes and breath the succulent scent that this world offers upon my doormat.
I burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn 'til my senses become senseless.
I love my life to the brim but hate every fragment of it. I am filled with emotions now that a single whisper from my mouth can break a person. I am contradiction. I am irony. I am parody. I am the insufferable truth.
I breath the decay of life, i eat the sordid stream of thought. I wake up on the barren lands and sleep on the abyss. I sit beside sanity and walk with God. I run.
Flightless dreams trinkle down on my colorful sight. Mindless and mindful thoughts flow through my disquiant lips like water from a stream. Unending so it seems. Infinite. Yet somehow nearing its end.

Shiver

Coldplay

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you?
I know you don't listen to me
'Cos you say you see straight through me, don't you?

And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care

Oh…
Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for you
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

So you know how much I need you
But you never even see me, do you?
And is this my final chance of getting you

And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care

Oh…
Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Don't you shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you, for you
I will always be waiting…

And it's you I see but you don't see me
And it's you I hear so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I'll always be waiting for you

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me

What's been going on in my life?

Eto masaya..............

Dear Prudence

BEATLES

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play

Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
that you are part of everything
Dear Prudence won't you open up your eyes?

Look around round
Look around round round
Look around

Dear Prudence let me see you smile
Dear Prudence like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear Prudence won't you let me see you smile?

Rapunzel

Dave Matthews

Ha, open wide
All so good I'll eat you
Take me for a ride
In your sweet delicious,
Perfect, little mouth
There upon I linger
You will have no doubt
That I'll do my best for you
I do, love...

Let's stop to get it going
Lost myself just thinking
'Bout the two of us
From each other drinking
Begin with the lips
Fingertips and kissing
Turn me inside out
I do my best for you

Up and down we go
From the top you push me
This is such a thrill
Lost in love and dancing
Shake your tambourine
You blow my head open
Of one thing I'm sure
I do my best for you
I do...

For you I would crawl
Through the darkest dungeon
Climb a castle wall
If you're my Rapunzel
You let your hair down
Right in through your window
Good, they locked the door
'Cause I do my best for you

I think the world of you
All of my heart I do
Blood through my veins for you
You alone have all of me
I give my world to you
To you I will be true

Too good to be real
The smell of something cooking
My soul you're to steal
Food of love we're filling
What you've given me
For it there is no measure
Of one thing I know
I'll give my best for you

I think the world of you
All of my heart I do
Blood through my veins for you
You alone have all of me
From you my strength is full
To carry your burdens, too
I give my word to you

Hip lock up so tight
good god you drive me crazy
Crazy is alright
With you looking at me
You make me feel high
Every single thing you do to me
Is like I'm drunk

Given me, given me the shivers

Sleep to Dream Her

Dave Matthews

I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh I came there to find out
Find out she made up her mind ohhhh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

Mmmm this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here

Oh I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know Ill miss her later
I wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes

Your Laughter

Pablo Neruda

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.


Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die.

Moon Song (Luna's Hymn)

Night unfolds a many reflections that fills our souls to the brink
And life sways - and life traverse - and the heart is the moon's a changing face
But you are God
Through you the moon is always in full bloom

The vast sky, the infinite stars - humbles men
But they don't make me bow - what are the heavens compared to you?
The sky - but a carpet for you to walk on
The stars - nothing but dust - lifeless - dull - scattered and nothing more

You are the only celestial that should be stared at
The only sun, moon, and galaxy to be looked up on
- and loved as far as the eye can see
- and loved until ages and ages and ages still - pass through my immortal soul

You are the Omega - the end that holds all
You are Change - the hand that bears all
You are the restless whisper that echoes in the seemingly endless night
You have all of me and my shadow - you are my only vision of light.

Spontaneous Inuman and Combustion

“… Eat, drink and be merry… for tomorrow we die…”
So the song says…
Yesterday was a trip. An ordinary day turned unique so to speak.
Started of as a normal day, went to a client in the morning then everything just picked up from there. Went to Makati next to bring chocolates, then I went home. I thought my day was going to end there, but nighttime gave another story.
When the sun went out, so did my PC. I thought it was busted up again (as usual) so I called my Nazi friend to fix my computer. On his way to our place, he ran over an old dog. When he got to our place he called up the dog’s owner (well… he knew the owner of the dog) and they decided to bury it. So we marched off to the scene of the crime in the middle of the night, armed with a hoe and two shovels. They started to dig beside a cluster of banana trees in a vacant lot. I was watching three men digging a grave amidst the foliage under the peaking moon and night sky. It was a sight!
It was the first time I ever participated in burying something in the middle of the night. Something someone I know killed no less! We were even joking about that topic and of him killing enemies and us burying people instead. Some sick, private jokes… hehehe…
So after that scenario we went back to my place, now armed with beers, and planned to drink the night away. For old times’ sake because we don’t hang out as often these days so we decided to make the most of that night. Plus, this new story will be a fine addition sa aming mga kwentong barkada.
I thought that was all the stories for that day, I’m glad I was wrong. Before we started our session, I was on the phone… and surprisingly, it turned to a lengthy conversation. “All the more reason to celebrate…” My kabarkada said as he cheerfully toasted his drink before midnight struck. Yes, it was indeed a note-worthy day. Indeed it was.
As hours went on, so did music passed through our ears. And at one time, he played “Tripping Billies” and that line got stuck in my head:
“… Eat, drink and be merry… for tomorrow we die…”
Eat, drink and be merry. We’ll never know what will happen next. The dog died just like that. It can be any one of us. Eat, drink and be merry. For tomorrow we can die.
So were merry, we drank… and by early morning… we looked for something to eat. We traveled to Fairview’s famous shawarma, but alas, we were late by 10 minutes! (10 freakin’ minutes… but it was ok… joy ride! Hehehe…) Then we started to crave for Wendy’s, and again to no avail. So Jollibee 24 hours it is. Joy ride!!! I even saw an old friend there, a member of Paramita (Check them out! Hehehe…) and I asked for gig scheds. Wow… more places to go to…
So it was six in the morning, I have to meet up with a friend-slash-business-partner by 9:30 am (she was already panicking that I was still up) about our project. No worries here. I was just making the most out of that seemingly-ordinary-day-turned-special.
“… So eat, drink and be merry… for tomorrow we die…”

Series of What's & Why's --- VI

Why do i feel that the earth isn't moving?
Why do i feel my heart's hallow?
Why does is seems that everything is still?
as if i can watch a teardrop falling for hours on end.

what is this silence that surrounds?
that which screams on my stolid ear.
what are these wails of emotion -
that makes the deafening, empty silence alive?

still staring at the quiet starless skies...
still waiting for redemption...
as if my whole life is bleeding on every moment,
and these scars continue to grow.

too long, 'tis too long...
this life... aged, but still an infant.
too long, this charade still plays on.
and i, lost in the sepulchre of my whole existence.

this race to perfection has to meet its end.
these mindless games of deceit and betrayal -
clouds the whole dawn of realization and the morrow.
and i, still, ever vigilant for graciousness' coming.

waiting - this i know i am -
in the stillness of the mind.
the ever fleeting moments that capture my thoughts -
has but a single breath to live.



º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º



ever the chaste of emotions,
ever the stroke of delight,
ever the tears that falls
from these shadowed eyes...

by and by, life travels inside me.
mine emotions running past through
the winter landscapes of my mind.
there, seeks the heart of it all.

searching for what was lost -
and what can be found.
living on a dream as fragile
as a decade old rose.

dying for eternity's caress,
and slowly ascending towards
the heavens of this life.
bless thee, God, for this humanity.

End of the day...

The sun has set hours ago,
The starless velvet has but a few momments to live,
But still, my day has yet to end -
For this day shall go on til eternity.

That this time shall ride on til forever
As these events shall be consumed by Memory.
That untangible god, that weaver of emotions,
That scribe of Fates.

For he hungers not just for torment,
But for humanly pleasures equally.
And I have much to offer him tonight.
To me, as much value that equals his thirst.

Mine thoughts now, are treasures, for him and mine -
His treasures, mine thoughts, he treasures.
Such lavish exchange for these kingly wealth,
But for my dear old friend, Memory, only the grandest.

I give to him ever so willingly, In return-
I may view these jewels of my past as often as I wish -
I trust and hope he'll care for this new gift of mine,
For I don't ever want to forget this kingly delight.

Timeless You

Find yourself flowing with life
eternity by your heels
seconds are centuries
millenia but a wink
your hourglass eyes stares
and stops the sun, the moon and me
and we find ourselves revolving
around, beyond, then through you

111105

*something i wrote a long time ago. i just dug it out.



suffer the helpless accord of my transgressions
ever the begotten, ever the benevolent
signs of the reversal of ascension
as i accustomed to your view and mind and perception
ever the plain, ever the sickening violence
congested in my heart to my spleen
and i grow in lavish abundance of ignorance and hate
again, falter into submission
and grace rebuked
as the grave digs itself to hell
my heart is my coffin
and my head is the funeral bell



10:44

Waiting for the day to end...

This day sucks. No point in debating there. It was an awful, awful day. Woke up at the wrong side of the bed, and when I went to work, it was just a big ball of stress bouncing on my head, among other things. On the drive home, I was contemplating how everything seems to be falling apart in my life. Then I saw the street children knocking on the cars’ windows as rain was slowly pouring over the land. Then I asked myself “What the hell are you complainin’ about?”

Just woke up...

Last night, fear was eating me up. It just suddenly consumed me that I just dropped what I was doing and went straight to bed (straight to bed without finishing my work, turning off the computer and internet… ha!).
I promised myself to be stronger. I know I became stronger, but I’m not strong enough. How do you become stronger against loneliness? If loneliness is the only problem that can be solved by other people, how do you answer it on your own then?
A friend of mine was having girl problems, I could have given him the company he needed but I didn’t. I guess deep inside I was nurturing my own particular brand of loneliness. That I have problems on my own, and adding other people’s worries won’t help much.
All this is crap. I know that one day someone will take all that loneliness away from me. That one day, I’ll laugh it off with that someone as if my past was just a stupidly drawn bad dream. All these nonsense thoughts about being alone are utterly pointless. They’re nothing but masks to block away the reality around, and before me.
One day, that person will come. Hope. Hope is the answer to loneliness.
Until that person knocks on my door, my friends can keep me company. I know those true, outstanding and amazing friends I have won’t forsake me at my times of need, so why worry? (Cheers to each and every one of you!)
So here I am, still waiting for that special someone to enter my life, still waiting for that idealistic dream. As I inch towards that dream, I fall dawn, I lose faith, but then I still stand up taller than before.
So I guess I am stronger than before. Well, not particularly that happy right now, but still… strong enough to hold on ‘til tomorrow.

Where Are You Going?

by Dave Matthews Band


Where are you going?
With the long face pulling down
Don’t hide away like the ocean
That you can’t see
But you can smell
And the sound of waves crash down

I am no superman
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing:
It’s where you are is where I belong

I do know, where you go
Is where I wanna be

Where are you going?
Where do you go?

Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars
If along the way, you are growing weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day, and you’re ok

[Chorus:]
I am no superman
And I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing:
Where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go
Is where I wanna be

Where are you going?
Where do you go?

Where do you go?
Where are you going?
Where do you go?

[Chorus]

Where are you going?
Where do you go?
And where are you going?
Where this goes

Its 2:38!

Setting:
In my room.

Atmosphere:
Quiet...

Basic Plot:
Outbursts about the digestion of the week's events.

Went out a while ago. Watched Session Road at Xeymaca. Hey, I'm really starting to like their sound. Nice company, I was with Cowgurl Anne, Gi, Wootie & hubby, and others. It was a quiet night beside a loud band. You get the drift... Anyway, I wasn't really planning to go out, but I did. I dunno, i just wanted to clear my head too i suppose. So did it? Nah. At least I had fun.
This whole week was a roller coaster ride. This night out was just a pleasant way to kick back and relax after all that... that...... i dunno what to call these days.
Eventful. I would say the week was eventful.
With all the tumbling down and the things I went through, I can proudly say I came out from all of it happier than before. (Happier? Can't seem to find a "better" word for it in this case... hmmm...)
But it is true. I can honestly say I'm happy. (I'm sure everyone who knows me knows how big of a deal it is... hehehe...)
All those tibbits of memories someone gave me, when stitched together, blocks out every single drop of doubt to the world I'm living on. Someday I'll thank that person. For everything she never thought she ever did. And for what she still does to me.
So here I am, still alive, unharmed, and well. Going about happier than before. With a little bounce on my steps, i tread on life, bolder and stronger.
One day I'll thank her for that. For this.

'Tis a sad, sad day in a sad, sad week

Hello, Earthlings! How's your world? I hope everything's fine on that wonderful third planet from the sun.
Me? Still falling stupidly in a black hole. That stupid vortex is drawing me closer to oblivion and beyond. I'm finding myself trapped in the crushing gravity of nothingness and forcing my thoughts to accept the metaphysics of the shadowy realm of bitter loneliness. Its drawing every pebble of my mind's landscape to surrender to the infinite calculations of (dare i say it...) fate. To accept that the infinite paths of time and space gave me a dead end. So sad.
So sad, indeed. When the bright sun of your life turns to that chaotic whirlpool of nothingness and void. As the gravity that once held all order and harmony turns to a vampiric force of melancholia. And the saddest bit among them all is the meek submission of one's will to the seemingly inevitable grip of the degrading hopelessness. Yes, hopelessness. That which binds all answers to the numeric equivalent of zero. That same hopelessness that spreads its influence to the far reaches of the unchartered dimensions of possibilities. That which kills worlds in a single blink.
Bleak. Yeah. My chances are bleak. That's the word for this world. Bleak. As dim as the last light of day from a screaming sunset. Bleak. The same feeling of the first second from a good dream, as you wake up and find out that that wonderful world is nothing more than a few ounces of brain fluid in the middle of this chaotic and seemingly pointless life. Bleak. I feel bleak.

Just trying things out while waisting time in class:

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause. You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Stolid

Hello, my life...
how are you?
still walking alone?
still towards the unknown?

Are you still faceless?
mute? and deaf?
still trying as hard as you can
to feel... loved?

Have you really smiled lately?
has anyone touched your
cold, scarred skin yet?
have you felt that warm feeling yet?

Or has anyone stopped to ask you
"what's wrong?" or "how are you?"
still none?
still?

Has anyone smiled at you
and tried to make your day better?
you still don't know what that is?
its been too long, hasn't it?

Too long, the years
round about and went by
too long this shroud covers our eyes
take a rest, please, my life.

The Axe Fell

When the world ends...
Yeah... problems up to my head are brewing.
Family, love life, i dunno i guess career too...
Sooner or later i'm gonna be covered in shit...

Its all down hill from where I'm standing.



*sigh*

what?

Hehehehe! i made the last post half-asleep... i was planning to edit it but, what the hey... (enumerate?! wha?!)
i still can't make a senseful draft 'til now. although i am awake, my mind's just swimming here, there and everywhere. ain't this feeling grand?
what blog-worthy stories can i write? nothing at the moment... though there are solid thoughts in my head... i guess i just want to float inside my thoughts for a while and let the wave (torrent? :P) of emotion you gave me ride me 'til the hymn of the night.

See you around the bend!

random whatevers on a rainy tuesday morning

i can't think of any sentence structure to work on so i guess i'll just enumerate my thoughts.

• its a quiet and gloomy morning. i wish i can enjoy it in my room... but i'm here at work because i have a murderous schedule...
• went home after 2am i think. and i got to work at 8am. thank god i don't go out that often anymore... i want to rest up...
• met up with my best friend last night. that was fun... some booze, lots of food, and a nice conversation which consisted a series of unresolved arguments that we'll continue arguing about 'til ages come.
• i can't stop sketching right now. i want to post my sketches. still waiting for those "creative criticisms" to hit me.
• my grammar isn't working today... wrong grammarage making me look like a speech impediment person. wakey wakey, brain...
• i'm happy in this gloomy, cloudy day... there's still a bright yellow sun sparkling in my eye.
• as much as i want to make this piece longer, i can't... my mind is stuck on thoughts of you.

06/07/28/13/22

AS I WATCH leaves fall like rain,
My thoughts spun with your coming
into being in this stolid world.
Now I understand why leaves fall.

As if every leaf caught in the wind
are individual thoughts of you.
How they travel and came to be that golden flake
Only to fall helplessly and willingly.

Ah, my dear, my beloved, my far-off dream,
You are my gravity, you are the center
of everything that exists around me.
And still you are that unseen force that binds all.

Unseen, yet I feel you around me - still unseen
This over-bearing weight that grips my heart
and pulls my soul to your direction.
And I fall helplessly and willingly...

... Like Leaves...

“Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night”

-Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Heritage Illustrated Dictionary IE

Phantasmagoria - n. 1. A fantastic sequence of haphazardly associative imagery, as seen in dreams or fever. 2. Such imagery as represented in art. [Originally, the name of an early 19th-century magic-lantern show producing optical illusions, from PHANTASM + an obscure second element.] -phantas'magor'ic, phantas'magor'ical adj.

You and the rest of us...

and all the universe evolved just to grace your presence
and all the cosmos is moving so that you can see the world
and all time is born for you to be that immortal goddess
and all space is pointed towards you

and all sunsets bleed red and gold for your sight
and all rain denounces heaven just to caress you when the world does not
and all the leaves turn gold and fall on your head just to please you
and all the mountains stood up because you want to be high up

and colors swirl a dizzy white spell for your eyes,
as notes come together to bring music in your life,
chocolates were made because your tongue would be fond of them,
and soft petals are such only for the delight of your skin

and all the universe evolved just to grace your presence
and all the cosmos is moving so that you can see the world
and all time is born for you to be that immortal goddess
and all space is pointed towards you

hope came about for us to meet again in peaceful serenity,
as fate destined our lives to cross among the infinite paths of time
and prayer, prayer was created so i could pray for you
and love... love began so i can have a name to call you

That which defines me...

Ever the sweetness of fragrance
ever the budding of May
Ever standing like salvation
even truth is at bay
Come eternal, who's weeps are laughter
and in time for all, to see
in communion and resurrection,
in life's redemption - there is me
And all the seeds of Humanity
that was scattered towards tomorrow
Come blissful past - renewed - resolved
which will blind the haunting, daunting sorrow
And all hail, and all sing!
The glory! The honor! That life can bring!
And all bless, and all be blessed!
For we are gods nonetheless...
"For all hail, for all sing!
The glory! The honor! That life will bring!
For all are blessed, and will be blessed!
Because we are gods nonetheless..."

===

To think of a question that will stand through the the test of time.
To think of a reason for all the things that does not have a name.
To justify all that man cannot see - to fulfill man's thirst for light.
To purify - to purge all those there is to purge within and around me.
To learn reality unheard of by man and speak the unspoken.
To breathe, to see the air i am breathing and exhale the irrational self.
To live a life that History shall cherish through-out humanity.
And finally, to die knowing I have a name.