Haaaaaaaaaaay naku...

i just feel lost... yeah... so fucked up in the head... hahaha... yeah... the times never seemed so confusingly fucked... a lot has happened... but somehow... i don't feel like blogging them... Pampanga trip, Dencio's Ayala Heights' Aniv was a blast, the storm was devastatingly awesome from my view, a lot of things going on in my life that i should remember and take note but i don't... i'm still STUCK with my problem (its not actually a problem... more like a tribulation or something... just lacking a better word for it... oh wait... i know the word... i just don't want to say it... =P)... YEP... everyone who knows me knows what i'm talking about... HELP!!! I'm goddamn losing my head here!!! HAHAHAHA!!! yeah... still stuck, struck and stumped... still lost in trance... still finding a place to breath and just clear my lungs... i want to shout on top of a mountain... just let it all out, mannnn... i wonder what i'll cry out when I do??? Hmmmm...... so there... i'm just blogging things rather than shouting on a mountain top... maybe i should... maybe this is better... who knows... who gives a fuck, right?


End of blog.

Sanctified

Wolfgang

I'm born down in the dirt, born with mud in my eyes
Born kicked in the teeth, born a loser in life
so put me on the pedestal so everyone can see
and listen to the gospel of the living mokery.
Yeah... I will be, Yes sanctified!
I'm negatively spent every single day
a tortured beaten soul in every single way
I'm such a goddamned fool for living the way i do
but i play the hand I'm given,not the hand i choose
Yeah... I will be,Yes sanctified!
Sanctified!
Bring me down as a holy man
and bring down again as a holy man.
And bring me down again as a holy man
Like a holy man
now I'm the hero of masses, king of the world
a disciple to conviction it's obvious yet absurd
how someone's way of living can become converse
from pauper to prince, a blessing to a curse.
Yeah! I will be yeah sanctified!
I will be yes sanctified,
Sanctified, I will be, Justified

Of love and life...

On my first draft, this one was supposed to be happy:

When you say "life is bullshit," a lot of people will agree. Well tonight, I'll join them. Life is all bull covered in sugar and spice. I just feel depressed now. When everything doesn't make sense, when ends won't meet, when the whole world seems to rattle every rational fiber left in your shattered heart, we suddenly stop ourselves from everything and disconnect our life and think ever so solemnly to ourselves: "what the fuck?!"
I'm 26. I've lived most of my life in depression (Would you believe? Its actually true.). I grew up believing that stupid fairytale-like-scenario-where-someone-will-break-down-all-misery-and-i-will-finally-know-the-meaning-of-love-and-life nonsense. Now I'm still paying the price for that folly. Paying for it with my every painful breath.
I am so unlucky when it comes to love. Its the truth! My first relationship was short-lived, and devastatingly tragic. My second gf was also short-lived and left a big question mark. And the last, well... if the one before left a question mark, the last left an exclamation point. I had one relationship(MU? way, way before which for me was my first love... baduy...) but somehow she can't make herself "like" me i suppose because we lasted for only three weeks. So that's zero over four.
More? Well... I fell extremely deep for a friend when i was in college. We talked constantly for hours and i never got tired. We talked as if it was our daily routine. In fact, we talked more than she and her boyfriend. Weighing the emotions i felt with the my previous relationships, to her was heavier by far. What did I do? I stopped talking to her because i couldn't take it anymore. A lot of complications are involved in the story but to cut this stupid blog short, I never dreamt of destroying a relationship. So there.

5 of 5. All painful experiences.

Its not that I don't meet a lot of people. Actually, its fairly easy to get a date or two and other things to that context if (if!!!) I want to. But love... well... love is elusive.

Venturing on the 6th? Too soon to tell...

So that's "of love"... still thinking if I should continue with the "of life" bit... I'm getting sober so I'll stop here... Ah yes... alcohol, burn and other lonely vices, that's how i should start with the "of life" bit because honestly, that kept me alive. Maybe later... If i get stoned enough to write again of things i shouldn't write about...

Blog

As I watch my burning cigarette show the slow dying of life, as I listen to rainfall tell me about birth and rebirth, as i stare and hear lightning and thunder chase down courage from the skies... i float in my life.
I let the smoke enter my lungs in the stillness of the dark... i let my thoughts soar high as God would let me... I let sobriety tumble down with the ashes and breath the succulent scent that this world offers upon my doormat.
I burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn 'til my senses become senseless.
I love my life to the brim but hate every fragment of it. I am filled with emotions now that a single whisper from my mouth can break a person. I am contradiction. I am irony. I am parody. I am the insufferable truth.
I breath the decay of life, i eat the sordid stream of thought. I wake up on the barren lands and sleep on the abyss. I sit beside sanity and walk with God. I run.
Flightless dreams trinkle down on my colorful sight. Mindless and mindful thoughts flow through my disquiant lips like water from a stream. Unending so it seems. Infinite. Yet somehow nearing its end.

Shiver

Coldplay

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you?
I know you don't listen to me
'Cos you say you see straight through me, don't you?

And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care

Oh…
Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for you
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

So you know how much I need you
But you never even see me, do you?
And is this my final chance of getting you

And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care

Oh…
Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way
I wanted to say…

Don't you shiver
Don't you shiver
Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you, for you
I will always be waiting…

And it's you I see but you don't see me
And it's you I hear so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I'll always be waiting for you

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me

What's been going on in my life?

Eto masaya..............

Dear Prudence

BEATLES

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play

Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
that you are part of everything
Dear Prudence won't you open up your eyes?

Look around round
Look around round round
Look around

Dear Prudence let me see you smile
Dear Prudence like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear Prudence won't you let me see you smile?

Rapunzel

Dave Matthews

Ha, open wide
All so good I'll eat you
Take me for a ride
In your sweet delicious,
Perfect, little mouth
There upon I linger
You will have no doubt
That I'll do my best for you
I do, love...

Let's stop to get it going
Lost myself just thinking
'Bout the two of us
From each other drinking
Begin with the lips
Fingertips and kissing
Turn me inside out
I do my best for you

Up and down we go
From the top you push me
This is such a thrill
Lost in love and dancing
Shake your tambourine
You blow my head open
Of one thing I'm sure
I do my best for you
I do...

For you I would crawl
Through the darkest dungeon
Climb a castle wall
If you're my Rapunzel
You let your hair down
Right in through your window
Good, they locked the door
'Cause I do my best for you

I think the world of you
All of my heart I do
Blood through my veins for you
You alone have all of me
I give my world to you
To you I will be true

Too good to be real
The smell of something cooking
My soul you're to steal
Food of love we're filling
What you've given me
For it there is no measure
Of one thing I know
I'll give my best for you

I think the world of you
All of my heart I do
Blood through my veins for you
You alone have all of me
From you my strength is full
To carry your burdens, too
I give my word to you

Hip lock up so tight
good god you drive me crazy
Crazy is alright
With you looking at me
You make me feel high
Every single thing you do to me
Is like I'm drunk

Given me, given me the shivers

Sleep to Dream Her

Dave Matthews

I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh I came there to find out
Find out she made up her mind ohhhh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

Mmmm this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here

Oh I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know Ill miss her later
I wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes

Your Laughter

Pablo Neruda

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.


Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die.

Moon Song (Luna's Hymn)

Night unfolds a many reflections that fills our souls to the brink
And life sways - and life traverse - and the heart is the moon's a changing face
But you are God
Through you the moon is always in full bloom

The vast sky, the infinite stars - humbles men
But they don't make me bow - what are the heavens compared to you?
The sky - but a carpet for you to walk on
The stars - nothing but dust - lifeless - dull - scattered and nothing more

You are the only celestial that should be stared at
The only sun, moon, and galaxy to be looked up on
- and loved as far as the eye can see
- and loved until ages and ages and ages still - pass through my immortal soul

You are the Omega - the end that holds all
You are Change - the hand that bears all
You are the restless whisper that echoes in the seemingly endless night
You have all of me and my shadow - you are my only vision of light.