Bakasyon na!

4 days of no work. i dunno if i should be happy or sad...

blogblogblogblogblog...globologoloblobologolobo...

Damn. somehow i feel like i just woke up and took a long look at my life for the first time in a very long time, and just hear myself mutter out "what the hell happened to me?" sometimes i don't get myself, it proves that i am only human after all. sometimes i feel like the need for conversations. sometimes i feel the need for silly talks. sometimes i feel the need to be close to someone. sometimes i feel the need to talk about me. sometimes i feel the need to just shut up and listen. sometimes i just want to be alone. being human, this human being. the problem is its getting out of hand. really out of hand. i can't focus anymore. i don't bother anymore. i just seem to have lost the will to do anything worth doing. and i just let it pass by. i need something. another problem is that i don't know what makes me happy anymore. yeah i laugh. i have fun all the time. i have a blast with great company most of the time. our dencio's is the best spot for miles around. asking for more will already be being greedy. but i just can't shut the numbing feeling inside. that big question just eating up inside and i don't even know what it is. Watcha think? i'll get back to you when i find some answers.

.. it always starts with the first step... right?

Ha!
I finally woke up at 4am to jog..... I'm so happy... hehehe... I never thought I would get up, it took me 30 minutes just to stand. Damn. So i grabbed my shoes (I sleep beside my Nike Free 7.0... i love it... its the best damn running shoes i ever had!!!), wore a Levron James Jersey over jogging pants, complete with a track top! Hahaha! (who cares, no one will see me anyway, they're all asleep) all that gear and i just jogged for 40 min. Hahahaha! 40 min to leave the house and 40 min later i'm back! Bawi next time!
When I stepped out to the cold, the pre-dawn sky amazed me... Everything was clear! The stars were bright and the morning moon was... i dunno... i never seen it like that before. you can see the outline of the moon and a thin smile under it. It really looked like cheshire cat. i was just waiting for eyes to pop out of the face of the moon... after staring at the sky for some time, I started to run.

So now I have to work work work, hoping to have the same enthusiasm i had a while ago. Its 7:46am, back to reality.

=D

Blanko

Session Road

Blanko
walang laman ang isip ko
Blanko
bulag at para bang tuliro
Blanko
walang halong biro
Blanko

Blanko
di alam kung saan magtatagpo
Blanko
bumabalik na naman sa iyo
Blanko
pangarap na sadyang totoo
Blanko

pikit matang sumusunod
sa yakap mo nalulunod
at hindi makaramdam
mula nung ika’y nagpaalam

Blanko
sabik sa alaala mo
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di sinasadyang maging ganito
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nananaginip pang palayo
Blanko

Blanko
limilipad sumasaiyo
Blanko
inaalay lahat ng ito
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patawad sa kahinaan ko
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at hindi makaramdam
mula nung ika’y nagpaalam
Blanko

#41

Dave Matthews

Come and see.
I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles,
I'm coming slow but speeding.
Do you wish a dance and while I'm in the front?
The play on time is won, but the difficulty is coming here.

I will go in this way, and find my own way out.
I wont tell you what to be,
But I'm coming to much more.
Me.

All at once the ghosts come back reeling in you now.
What if they came down crashing??
You and me,
we used to play for all of the loneliness but nobody notices now.
I'm begging slow I'm coming, yeah.
Only waiting...
I wanted to stay,
I wanted to play,

I wanted to love you.

I'm only this far, and only tomorrow leads my way.

I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head.
Please, I wouldn't pass this by.
I wouldn't take more than I need.
What sort of man goes by?
I will bring you water.
Why wont you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder...
I came in praying for you.
Why won't you run into the rain and play?
Let the tears splash all over you.

All that's left...

i've got rid of most my anger, rage and stress. Now its time for the change... can't wait to buy rubber shoes...




My thoughts for the week:

To let go of the petty things like anger, hate, greed and envy.

Let us all forgive, even God does.

So Much To Say

Dave Matthews

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating,and I'm alright
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't see the light
Keep it locked up inside
Don't talk about it
T-t-talk about the weather

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't see the light
Open up my head and let me out, little baby
'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I'm alright
'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time
Time, time, time, time, time, time

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

I see you young and soft, oh little baby
Little feet, little hands, little feet, little feet, little baby
One year of cryin' and the words creep up inside
Creep into your mind, yeah

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time
Time, time, time, time, time, time

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

Open up my head and let me out, little baby

at work...

today is a day of realization...
okay... so i'm getting sick of my work... i like teaching... but i just can't stand some people...

i spent my afternoon on our office's rooftop... just wanted to be alone...
i laid down under the afternoon sky, read some, but i finally decided to play soccer with an old, worn-out plastic pail and an old chair as my goal. sweated for a few hours while watching the sun disappear. all the while just thinking of this bullshit life.

i'm beginning to hate my work, so sick of those "plastic" co-workers. i'm beginning to doubt my so-called friends, those who just show up when they need something. i'm in love with a girl who treats me like a rag-doll. i'm getting fed up at our house (as usual). i'm starting to worry about money and career. i'm just so sick and tired of all the crap this world is offering me.

Me, myself, and i... a quote i held close to my heart before... i guess its resurfacing again. not much people to put my trust into these days... everyone's all lies. i don't want to be trapped in a circle of lies again... never again... so goodbye to all of you people's crap.

good friends?!

Ha! Life is full of crap... don't join them already.

What can i say, everyone is filled with crap. everyone's JUST pretending to be a friend anyway, why should i think of you differently? fuck... everyone's a joke... everyone's pretentious... everyone's just plain old scared to be honest... crap... everyone's all bull that's why life is getting fucked up... fucking pretenders... everyone will tell you they're your friends but when you're not looking you can bet on it that they're going to hell.

Peace with God... war with people... Yeah... everyone says i have trusting issues... but c'mon... look at these people around me... how the hell can you trust them?

Shit.

Whatever peace with God that i do, it still boils down to the people around me. God will only help you through other people... but it seems like people around won't help at all...

Still waiting for the one to prove me wrong...

Too much negativity...

Let's uncomplicate things... Too much anxiety, too much freedom, too much of nothing...

Now I'm going to sit back, slow down in life, read Dhammapada, work slowly, want less, turn up my radio loud to the music of Wolfgang to Mozart, eat less, run more, breath slower, save money, spend more time on my projects, really wake up at 4:30 am, drink less, get in tune with the forces that be and just get some balance.

Anyone wanna bet on it? Hahahaha...

When life is turning into a one big pile of bullshit, it means we're doing something wrong, so i'm going to stand up, get out of my routine cycle and make a change. Life won't make itself better for me, right? So why sit and do nothing when the whole world is waiting...